There is a scene in the film Interview with a vampire that I have been thinking about a lot lately. In this scene, we see the transformation of Louis (Brad Pitt) from human to Vampire. After his transformation, Louis describes the sensations of seeing the world through his new ‘vampire eyes’. He describes this feeling as though ‘The world had changed but stayed the same’.
This sentiment, of the familiar becoming suddenly strange and unfamiliar, very neatly encapsulates the way I have been feeling over the last few months in the wake of the Covid pandemic and ensuing lockdown. In the gaps between the practicalities of the days. The homeschooling, I use that term loosely, the relentlessness of housework; daily reminders to myself that I’m so lucky to be safe, well and with my family during this difficult time; It is a privilege many don’t have. But in between all these things, are moments of deep and profound grief. And I suppose this short blog post is an effort to process and articulate that. And find some positivity.
A few weeks into lockdown I was in turmoil. Social media is no friend to the struggling mind. I consumed a daily dose of memes along the lines of, ‘Your grandparents fought the Nazis, all you’re being asked to do is stay at home, you’ve got this’. Yeah! It’s only a global pandemic the likes of which we’ve never seen in our lifetime, with constraints on personal freedoms I’d only read about in Orwell novels. Suck it up, snowflakes!
Another very popular sentiment doing the rounds on social media was this. ‘Things shouldn’t return to normal because normal wasn’t working’.
Now on a Macro level, I find myself in complete agreement with this statement. The current Neo-liberal paradigm fails the majority of people that live within it. A pervasive and toxic ideology that ‘sees competition as the defining characteristic of human relations and redefines citizens as consumers’. It maintains that “the market” delivers benefits that could never be achieved by planning. Until the shit hits the fan, then losses are nationalised. While Primatologist, Jane Goodall recently warned that If we do not do things differently (after Covid 19) we are finished,” “We can’t go on very much longer like this, she wrote. Referring to our destruction of the natural world and its impact on disease and climate breakdown.
This is normal right now, normal has to change…. for everyone’s sake.
However, on a micro-level, I am happy. I have a lovely life, friends and family whom I cherish, a roof over my head, and the luxury of being able to pursue interests that are deeply important to me, like writing this blog. However, I am acutely aware of how my lovely life comes at a cost. All of us are embedded in what Dr. Melanie Joy calls ‘multiple systems of oppression’. From our diets and clothes to our mobile phones, others are exploited so we can enjoy comfort and convenience. Most of us sit somewhere on the spectrum of recognition and acknowledgment of these difficult truths that have become increasingly transparent. This pandemic, coupled with Environmental and Social movements like Extinction Rebellion, Me Too, and Black lives Matter, force us to see the world through new eyes, viewing our everyday choices through a lens of exploitation (of people, animals and planet). In the book, Political Ecology and Environmentalism in Britain, Prendiville and Haigron write; Western lifestyles were built on exploiting limited natural resources and excessive consumption- to satisfy artificially created cravings’.
In Interview with a Vampire, Louis thought he wanted change. But once faced with it, he is in turmoil, fighting against his new reality. It is harder still because everything he knew is still there but transformed and inaccessible. As Louis and his maker and companion, Lestat try to maintain the charade that all is as it was, Louis remarks, ‘They watch us dine on empty plates and drink from empty glasses’.
Whether we welcome change or not, it is inevitable. Our choice is how we influence and respond to it. Most of us are cognisant that we’re living through a historically significant moment. A global pandemic coupled with The climate crisis, Brexit (remember that?) The migrant crisis, a problematic term in itself, and shitlords, Boris and Trump, using chaos and confusion as a Tool of Governance.
It’s scary, I have moments where I crave normality, but recognise It wasn’t working. So I grieve. Grief is intense sorrow to the loss of a person or thing. And that is what it feels like. Like I’m mourning the loss of the way I believed my life and the lives of my children would be. Mourning because I know it was never right; our lives built on the backs of others. And by exploiting nature.
I grieve so I can let go, of destructive attachments and ways of living that harm, and move forward, positively, in love and solidarity.
As Nelson Mandela said, “To be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others. Can I honestly say that my life does that?
But I want it to.
And I have the power.
We all do…
lordible 